Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
