giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
