i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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