Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
