I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
