You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
