I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
