Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
