You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize