Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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