We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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