Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
