Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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