Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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