um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
