Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
