I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize