Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
