I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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