omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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