i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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