I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
