Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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