if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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