so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
