I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
