When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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