My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
