After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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