She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize