The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
