You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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