i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize