i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
