On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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