I want to have your abortion
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
