woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
