Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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