I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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