My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
