I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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