Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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