Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
