Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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