the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
