what day is it and did you see me today?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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