i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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