He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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