Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
