textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
