If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
