I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
