you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize