Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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