How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
