He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
