I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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