I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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