the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
