Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
