If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
