nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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