Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
