I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
