I hate all girls vehemently.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
