there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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